The first part in this series was mostly about my childhood/teenage anxiety years. I realized that I left out one very important part that from my childhood. When I was maybe 6 or 7 years old, I am not sure of my age but I remember this well, there was a thunderstorm during the night and it woke me up. Of course I was freaked out but I remember praying for God to help me not be afraid. A peace passed over me that was amazing and I was able to watch the thunderstorm out my bedroom window without fear. I was not raised in a Christian home and we didn’t attend church so I’m not really even sure how I knew to pray to God and ask that, but I did. I blogged about this same thing a few years ago and my aunt remembered me telling her this same story as a child so I know this is real and isn’t something you think happened as a child but really didn’t.
On my wedding day one of my biggest fears is that I would pass out in front of the church. Thankfully that didn’t happen but I don’t really remember much about the ceremony. In fact, our friends were married a few months before us and all I could do was worry I would pass out while standing up there in front of everyone.
That same summer of our wedding, my husband’s brother and his fiance were married. I was a reader for the wedding and I did not want to do the reading, I was so freaked out. I did it, sort of, because as I was trying to read scripture and having a panic attack at the same time, people could barely hear me reading. Not my best moment. A few years later our good friends were getting married and both my husband and I were standing up in the wedding. Of course after my whole reading in front of the church episode from the last wedding, I was worried that I would have another panic attack during the ceremony. So of course, panic attacks go hand in hand with the cycle of worrying. I worried about having a panic attack which in turned caused me to have the panic attack. I had to get off the stage in the middle of the ceremony because I thought I was going to pass out. How embarrassing that was. It makes me feel yucky just typing it and the worst part is, I didn’t want to distract from their wedding day, I just wanted to quietly slip off the stage and run away.
A few months after our wedding, my awesomely smart husband graduated from college and we packed up our life and moved four and a half hours away from our friends and family. I was very excited to move, I had lived in the same town and the same house for the first 18 years of my life. I think I have a bit of wanderlust in me as I always wanted and hoped we would move when I was child but it never happened.
The hubs and I moved to a small town for his job ready to begin our life together. The first day hubby went to work he drove our only vehicle. He didn’t have a cell phone or a work phone and told me he’d be home at 5pm. When 6:30 rolled around and he still wasn’t home I started to get panicky. I was stuck in a town where I literally knew no one and was without a vehicle. I had no way to contact my husband to find out where he was. I finally went to the other side of the duplex and asked if they could possibly give me a ride up to my husband’s work. Right as we were about to head out my husband pulled into our driveway. This might have been the start of my intense anxiety time because a few months later I was in full fledged panic mode most of the time.
A few months after we had moved and settled in, I landed a job at a law office answering the phones and helping out with filing, etc. The job was fine but one of the secretary’s there was a mean old biddy. She always had some snide comments for me and I was starting to hate my job. One day after a really bad day at work I remember driving to our rental which was about 10 to 15 minutes away. All of a sudden I was dizzy, I was seeing spots, my hands and feet were numb and tingling, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was freaking out, what was wrong with me? I called my hubby from the cell phone, turned the vehicle around and drove back to his work. Not really sure how we resolved that day but from then on, I hated driving, I was freaked out it was going to happen again. Pretty soon I was holed up in the house all the time, I quit my job, I didn’t go anywhere without my husband, I stayed in our bedroom most of the day with the phone in bed with me. I wouldn’t go into stores by myself, I was quickly being overcome with anxiety. Finally I ended up taking a test on National Health Day and being diagnosed with GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. According to the GAD is described as follows:
All of us worry about things like health, money, or family problems. But people with GAD are extremely worried about these and many other things, even when there is little or no reason to worry about them. They are very anxious about just getting through the day. They think things will always go badly. At times, worrying keeps people with GAD from doing everyday tasks.
GAD develops slowly. It often starts during the teen years or young adulthood. Symptoms may get better or worse at different times, and often are worse during times of stress.
People with GAD may visit a doctor many times before they find out they have this disorder. They ask their doctors to help them with headaches or trouble falling asleep, which can be symptoms of GAD but they don’t always get the help they need right away. It may take doctors some time to be sure that a person has GAD instead of something else.
This is me, I worry things will go badly most of the time. I call it “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Just ask my husband. I will share with you just a glimpse of what this is like for me. This is so hard for me to do but I’m doing it because maybe it will help someone else out there. This summer we are taking a family vacation to Atlanta Georgia for a few days and then heading on to Florida. We are driving because I would never fly and plus we made a deal with our kids that we would visit all 48 states before they all graduated. So this is the first big trip in a series of trips we have planned over the next few years. Here is what I am already thinking/worrying about:
I am sure that we are going to all die in a car crash while driving to Haven in Atlanta this summer and it will be my fault because I won the ticket to Haven and we wouldn’t be going if I hadn’t won the ticket. Yes, I am already worrying about that. I also worry that while I am at the conference hubby will be out with the kids and get in a bad accident and I”ll get the call during the conference in front of all the bloggers. Or maybe we are going to run into bad weather or tornadoes during the drive down and we will be staying in a hotel and there will not be a basement to hide in. I will need to know how far the nearest hospital is on the drive down, no matter where we are on the road.
This is just a glimpse into my brain, scary, right? So I hope you won’t all hit the unfollow button after reading this article, writing this series has been extremely challenging for me but it’s also been really good. I can see by typing this out just how much anxiety has a control on my life and I don’t want it too! My eyes are being opened to many things regarding myself the past two weeks and I’m hoping to start taking care of business and getting on the road to a better mental state of mind, one with less worry and “what-ifs.”
There is one more post in this series so if I haven’t scared you off yet, be on the lookout for part 3!
You can squeeze the heck out of my hand at Haven whenever you have a thought like that. We'll do deep breathing together. My awesome mom has anxiety, I totally get you and I've got your back, sister!! I think it's so great that you're sharing your story because maybe someone will recognize herself in you. You are so courageous and inspirational, truly you are Ange!
I'm proud of you getting it out there to help yourself. You know very well I won't unfollow based on this post
I'll tell you that I've already had a slight panic attack when I booked my trip to Atlanta for Haven. The flight is a major source of tension for me. I HATE flying but given my career I have no choice but to get on a plane every somewhat often. That doesn't mean I'm not thinking I'm going to die for the entire time. I also have a hint of social anxiety though so the thought of all these new people I have to meet, scares me to pieces. We can stick together while we are there, right? 
Ange, this is seriously a glimpse into my own life. I worry all.the.time. It's so frustrating because I feel like it holds me back. I too have passed up vacations and visiting family because I have such anxiety over flying. If hubby is 10 minutes later than he said he would be, I freak out and automatically think he's died in an accident. I hate that I worry and it's slowly getting worse as I get older. I know we'll have a lot to talk about when you safely make it to Atlanta. I'll be praying for you the whole drive
i definitely do not want to unfollow! i just want to be a friend and listen, and do what i can to help. and you will make it safely to atlanta, my stair-steppin friend!
It's stinks that mental health issues (like anxiety) make people feel ashamed. Anxiety is a serious health issue and can affect so many things. I am more of a worrier…no panic attacks…but worrying itself can make life very difficult.
You will have an awesome time this summer. I will worry about you so you don't have to. Deal? Deal.
after 38 years of life, I had my first real panic attack. I had always had anxious thoughts but was able to "power thru" them as they say and knew I would be back on track in a day or two…Well after years of fighting this my brain would take no more. I would have a panic attack…then crash, where you pass out on the couch with your coat and shoes on because you just become so exhausted from the adrenaline with the attack. Finally last year I got on meds and have been doing great, but due to some horrible things happening to some friends of ours I had a major trigger…and then the cycle started again….I went right back to my counselor and upped my meds….(also pretty convinced I have seasonal affective disorder, since we live in the dark dreary Michigan) and am happy to say, doing much better. They tell you each time its better and it really. While those first few months took me months to get over, I was able to bounce back to my normal happy self within a week. So don't ever think that people will unlike you for share a little bit about yourself. Its what makes you human, and a real person.
Hugs to you, and I hope for your continued improvement.
Oh my friend…I relate to SO much of this and it makes me feel SO much better to know that I'm not alone with my worry, even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone!
I haven't gotten to the point where it has kept me from doing things but I'm always "waiting for the other shoe to drop" too. Every time my husband leaves with the kids I worry about something happening to them, although strangely I don't worry about it as much when I am driving with them. Weird huh? Especially since he is an excellent driver and even more excellent father! I'm worried about going to Haven because I will be flying alone and leaving my kids in another state and it has been several years since I have left them for more than one night. Ugh…I would say that most of my worries involve safety and just general lack of control. BUT, I have come to realize lately how much my wanting control has to do with not trusting the Lord. Ugh again! LOL! Thank you so much for opening up your life and your heart to us! It is inspiring and it is so important for women to open up to one another about the true fears, hurts and worries that plague us so that we can support and encourage each other. You are a blessing! 
Vanessa
I think Vanessa has such a good point. I do think so much of anxiety has to do with a lack of control. With me, I always prefer to be the one driving. I couldn't wait to drive as a kid. I think somehow I knew that would help me and it did. As long as I had a car, I had an escape. I could be in control. I HATE when my husband takes my kids somewhere. The first thought that enters my head is a bad one…but I stop myself and change my thought process into thinking how nice it is that they are going somewhere. I think a good first step is to change the message the voice in your head is telling yourself. As soon as you think the first bad thought, change the record in your head to something positive…even if you don't believe it at first. The more you tell you change the voice in your head the easier it will become. Instead of thinking of all the bad things that can happen to you on your way to Haven, redirect your thoughts to all the awesome women you will get to meet and the awesome experience you are going to have. You can't think two thoughts at the same time so focus only on the positive. You have so many people that care about you and understand what you are going through. On a lighter note…wish I was going to Haven!!
I think it's wonderful that you are sharing your story. I can relate to many of the things you are saying, and while I don't think I have GAD, there are times that my brain goes to crazy places as well. I'm sure there are lots of readers who have gone through this, or some who may seek treatment because you have written about this, so bravo for speaking out!
I am not a huge Joyce Meyer fan BUT…I did like reading her book, "Battlefield of the Mind". As a child of God, we have NOTHING to fear. The book had lots of helpful tips and many of my friends who struggle with worrying…found this a good resource. Some of them pick it up and remind themselves of what they learned…when tempted to take back control of their life. I know that you know all the Bible verses and sayings that the "church" world may throw at you about worrying…so, I won't repeat all of them.
Your success with and freedom from worry will be a great example to your kids! They "feed" off of the temperature that we (the parents) set in our home life. I hate that our kids are ALWAYS watching us. UGH! They are like mini police officers. 
Go, Ange! You can do it because God can do it! You do things that challenge you and that's a great step. You could stay at home but you are still going to Atlanta. Keep making steps forward and your "E" will also be able to make the same steps with you! There are my "two cents". Love you, Ange!
I'm a new reader but I won't "Unfollow"! I think it's great that you're sharing your story — and I bet it's helping lots of other people out there, too.
I do what Judy said, I am a worrier too. I always think the worst is going to happen…then I tell myself NO it's not going to happen and then I pray. If it creeps back in, I say, NO~you prayed about this and it is going to be all right. Yes, I mentally talk to myself, a lot sometimes. If I'm really worried, I try to stay busy, but I don't get things finished…I just walk around from one thing to the next. You will have a great time in Atlanta and everything will be all right. If I can do anything please let me know.
*Hugs*
Debbie
Its very brave you of to tell your story. My husband deals with anxiety as well. It's something that we work on together- your not alone in this! I know you have a great family around you to help you out.
Thanks for sharing, Ange!
I recognize myself in so many of your comments. "It would be my fault because I won the ticket". I am soooooo powerful, right?
I like to be the one driving. I think my kids/husband are safe if I ride in the car with them. If they go in the car without me I just know they'll be in an accident.
I am going directly to my doctor to discuss GAD. Thank you for sharing.
Riley
Wow, what can I add to all of those who have commented before me?! You are loved! Your courage and honesty are inspiring. Praying for you!
Wow, girl, that's a pretty scary thing to face! Just so you know you are not alone- I too have struggled with anxiety my whole life! It something that I know will always be there to some extent, but the Lord has really been working in my head and heart to bring about some healing in this area. I had a job that was very stress-inducing too, after quitting that I noticed my anxiety went down a whole lot. When I'm at my worst I worry about things too and will wake up in the middle of the night worrying that my Dad is going to die or something. I had one month where I had nightmares every night about someone in my family dying! I think being a Christian puts us even more at risk for that kind of anxiety, because you-know-who usually knows exactly what we are most afraid of. But God is always stronger! I will be praying for you. =) Love, Mikalah
You are a very brave and strong person to be able to write about your struggles. An inspiration to others. Thank you!!!! -BW
You are so courageous to share this Ange. I'm sure there are many readers out there who are comforted to know that they are not alone in their struggle with anxiety. You are living proof that you can be an accomplished mother and person and anxiety has definitely NOT gotten the best of you.