Before we delve into the topic today, we want to mention two things. First, our intent and our spirit today is not one of judging those who are divorced. We are just sharing a bit of our hearts and what we’ve been through and what we believe about our society and divorce today. This post is not meant to be hurtful, judgemental, or in any way meant to make you feel less of a person.
As a side note before we go any further, we understand that there are situations where Divorce should happen. Obviously if you or your children are in danger or being physically, sexually or mentally abused, GET OUT and GET HELP! You can find more information for help at this website: or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Now, onto the post!
I love the picture above, it says a lot about what we are going to talk about this week. And the couple in the picture is so sweet, look at how the old guy has his hand on her arm even behind his own back. I hope this post is not a real downer, but rather an inspiration for those with marriages “on the rocks” so to speak. We are firm believers that there is almost always hope for marriages, that divorce doesn’t have to be the only way out of trouble and a truly great marriage can emerge from the ashes of broken hearts.
A bit of background on this from our perspective. Ange and I have been very happily married for nearly 14 years now. We have certainly had our share of ups and downs, (our marriage is far from perfect) but generally we have steered our marriage away from the “biggies” (significant lies, affairs, financial straits, etc.). But we have been stung from the bitterness of divorce in our world. My parents divorced recently after 37 years of marriage, and even though I’m a grown man living away from my parents, the ripple effects can still be felt on our family. My once strong family (my parents and siblings that is) has been ripped apart at the seams and the hurt, bitterness, and separation still affects the relationships with all of us, even the grandkids (including my own children). Certainly I’m glad my parents stayed together while we were kids so we didn’t have to deal with that growing up, but that doesn’t make this divorce any easier in my books to deal with. (It is quite painful to watch your husband deal with his family falling apart.) Something I never thought I’d have to go through or watch my parents go through for sure. For those that are going to wait until the children leave the house before they divorce, please understand that the pain of divorce is going to be there no matter when you decide to go through with it. It affects everyone, not just you and your spouse. When you glue two pieces of paper together, you can not rip them apart without some of each sticking to each other. You will always be dealing with this person in your life, especially if you have children together.
In addition to my parents, several friends have been through a divorce, and many other marriages that we know of are in shambles, with lots of bitterness and hopelessness all around. So many have just opted out of the vows they entered into, when they pledged their lives to the other person only to essentially have their fingers crossed behind their back apparantly. Marriages today are really just a reflection of our culture I suppose, where someone’s spoken word can rarely be relied upon and the “me-centered” life that so many live means that if my spouse stops making me happy, then it’s time to move on. Marriages are certainly broken if we stop and take a look around. But what if, like the picture at the top, we stop throwing away the broken marriages we find ourselves in and instead invest in fixing them? I am a firm believer that marriages can survive and even thrive after going through incredible trials. And what emerges is a marriage that is fire-tested and stronger than before. According to a Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation, ended up happily married five years later. Meaning, they waited it out, fought for the marriage, five years later, they were happy.
We have friends who have told us that they made the decision to follow their vows even when they went through some terrible hardships early on in their marriage, and now they are happily married with children and are so glad they toughed it out, sought out counseling and fought the fight worth fighting for. Your marriage is worth fighting for! If you haven’t heard the song , check it out because it really speaks to what the true meaning of love is in a marriage.
The first verse starts out like this:
Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It’s a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave
In your marriage house, have you committed to never leave with your spouse? More than just the vows you said on your wedding day, are you living your life like divorce is not an option and you will work it out no matter what comes your way? We believe that great blessings can be found in your marriage if you are faithful to see it through and “fight the fight”. Because it is a fight after all, and something worth fighting for!
If you haven’t read this post yet, we featured a couple that attended a Love & Respect Conference that Ange & I put on a few years ago through our church. It’s a great story about how a couple on the verge of divorce reconciled and started fresh!
If there are any of you who are in a tough spot now or need advice or don’t know where to turn, please seek help now before it gets any worse. Counselors, pastors, friends are there to help. Many people were there on your wedding day witnessing you say your vows to each other. The reason why they are there is to remind you and hold you to those vows, not just to attend a reception! If there is a way that we can help you, please send us a private message and we would be glad to point you in the right direction or just talk with you and help in whatever way we can. But above all, DON’T GIVE UP – there is too much at stake in your marriage!!
Such a touching post. My mom and dad divorced when I was 2 and my life has always been effected by it. I take my wedding vows serious and divorce is not even an option! We just talked about this at out small group last week, not leaving your spouse and how to find joy in every situation in your marriage. It’s hard for sure God tells us to. Sharing this today
I agree with most of what you said. I think too many people quit without even trying and it’s a reflection of how people treat life. I am happily married and plan to stay that way. However, we have several divorced friends and in all of the cases, it was the “right” thing to do. As people, we are always growing and evolving. Sometimes people simply grow completely apart and realize they never even agreed on their core values. In all of my friend’s cases, there was so much evidence early in the relationship that they probably should never have gotten married. Life is very short and each of us deserves to be happy. Sometimes that means not continuing to share life with someone who is no longer on the same path as you.
I agree completely. I really respect the way you handled such a touchy subject. Coming from the position of your own struggles and the affect of divorce on your life was very touching.
i was in the wedding of one of my hs best friends two years ago. their marriage didn’t make it even a year though they had been together for 7 years before getting married…. it was so tough to see, but i understood. i cried a good bit for my heart broken friend, and i cried as it was the first of my friends getting a divorce and it made it reality.
chris and i argue sometimes, of course, but we love each other and we will always work to fix what isn’t working. we are in it til death.
Thank you for this post you two! It’s not an easy topic to cover and you handle it with dignity and loads of grace. As someone who has recently watched two of my dearest friends go through devastating and justified divorces involving infidelity and abandonment I have realized it’s a topic that we need to discuss much more openly in the church. I am still so shocked to hear some of the things that have been said to my friends by other Christians even though both of these women were basically abandoned, even questioning their fitness to continue to volunteer at church. :/ the church needs to learn to deal with this issue in a more grace filled way without appearing to condone divorce. It’s a hard balance. Appreciate this series!
Heather
I love this so, so much. “When you glue two pieces of paper together, you can not rip them apart without some of each sticking to each other. You will always be dealing with this person in your life, especially if you have children together.” So powerful. My parents are having some issues right now; I guess those issues have always sort of been there, but they’re really coming to a head lately, and it’s been hard on everyone. They aren’t considering separation, but the tension is real, nonetheless. It makes me feel like everything I’ve ever believed about our family is no longer true. Ask anyone in the community, and they’ll say we’re the perfect family. Not the case. It’s hard.
Thank you for this encouraging post!
My parents divorced after 16 years of marriage- I was just 13 at the time. It has an effect on my life even today. My hub and I are in it to win it. The d word is a bad word in our house. It’s not an option, so it’s not even part of our vocabulary. It’s amazing how removing the “life boats” makes you work harder to keep your ship from sinking.
A very brave post to write about, A & A! A couple of our close friends have gone through divorce recently and we understand the heartache of making that decision…it was not entered into lightly, especially considering there are kids involved. One thing I have learned from seeing my friends go through all this turmoil is that even a good and solid marriage like mine needs care and attention. It would be so easy to let resentment creep in because life is not always happy times. More than ever before I am working on being understanding, and being kinder and gentler than I sometimes feel. It’s work to keep a marriage strong and both parties need to put the effort in.
Great post! Well written! I can tell you guys are passionate about this topic. It’s funny, we have what I’d consider a very strong marriage (though none is perfect) and seem to have a good deal of friend who are having marital issues coming to us for advice. We were just joking that we should consider writing a book…. not because we know it all, but we try to learn things from watching such situations and then are happy to share anything we’ve managed to learn or grow from. Maybe you guys should write a book! It is just great when you can tell the information shared is coming from a place of passion, love for friends and experience. Good stuff! I agree with everything you said.